


Chat Noir Gives Shrek a Blowjob

by Marinetthoughts



Category: Miraculous Ladybug, Shrek Series
Genre: 69 chapters, A WILD RIDE, Angst, Confrontations, Crack, Crack Fic, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, NSFW, Smut, but not like graphic, hand on shoulder kink, miraculous crackfic, more like "he gave him a blowjob" and thats as detailed as it gets, shat, shatybug, shoulder kink, shrek puns, so many shrek puns, tru luv~, vuvezela ass ears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-06-02 07:10:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 17,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6556732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marinetthoughts/pseuds/Marinetthoughts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ples give kidos i have childrem to feed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. THe one where chat noir gives shrek a blowjob

Chat Noir gives Shrek a blowjob. It's going well. Oh, looks like Shrek finished. In his mouth. Chat spits it out in disgust, then looks at Shrek hoping he's not disappointed that he couldn't swallow. Shrek just chuckles.

"Better out than in, I always say."


	2. The chapter that does not invlove a blowjob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by popular demand~

Ladybug doesn't turn around when Chat lands on the rooftop behind her, but he senses she knows he's there. After a few seconds, she looks over her shoulder.

"So, you and Shrek, huh?" She hums. He shrugs his shoulders.

"Yep, I guess that's the way things are now." He replies. She frowns.

"I didn't realize, I mean, you flirt with me all the time, so I just assumed... I should've known you're gay." She sputters. He chuckles and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry, My Lady." He says. "I'm bishrekual."


	3. Aaaaand It's Back To Blowjobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this started out as a joke but im rly taking this series seriously now...
> 
>  
> 
> i am lying

Chat falls to his knees in front of Shrek with lust in his eyes and a growl in his throat. He licks his lips as his hands go to Shrek's pants. Tugging them down, he's surprised to find another pair of pants. He tugs those down only to find a third pair of pants.

"Ugh, why do you have so many layers???" Chat whines.

Shrek winks.


	4. No Blowjob But Implied Post Beej

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whyyyyyyyyyyy am I like this

Chat lays with Shrek in bed post orgasm, purring softly. He runs his claws along Shrek's mushy green chest, then past his shoulders and down his arm until he gets to the Ogre's plump toe-like fingers. He laces their fingers together and looks up at him through his lashes.

"Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes?" Chat murmurs. Shrek holds him in his arms and rubs his cheek on his cat ear.

"Somebody once told me."


	5. Honestly Even I Am Super Uncomfortable At This Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let Me Die

this chapter was weird right??? gone now :3c


	6. I Don't WANT TO BE HERE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> install brakes to this train pls

"So... how did the Paris superhero Chat Noir get together with Shrek?" Ladybug asks him one night on patrol. He sighs and looks up at the stars in the night sky, recalling Shrek and him stargazing together a few nights back.

"It's... kind of a long story..." He reminisces. 

"Ugh then I don't want to hear it." Ladybug states, breaking Chat out of his nice mood. "You two are totally different! How could you both make this work?" He looks at her with the kindest, saddest look in his eyes.

"He always smells like onions and I always smell like cheese. We understand each other."


	7. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i need to do this its a life goal of mine now to finish this

Shrek looks at Chat Noir's sleeping face silhouetted in the moonlight peeking out the window. He's so calm like this, soft like some sort of angel furry. He runs the tip of his finger along the cat boy's face, giggling when he pouts in his sleep. Shrek sighs and wraps a protective arm around Chat.

"I never thought," He whispers, "That I'd ever be able to win the affections of someone so beautiful." He pulls back Chat's bangs and kisses his forehead. "But, then I saw your face and... now I'm a believer."


	8. Since It Wasn't Clear That I Aged Up Chat I Am Making It Very Clear Right Now Because Even Though I'm Writing Chat And Shrek Together I Wouldn't Stoop THAT Fuckin Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres people who are thinking im being serious with this fic and tbh honest, yes I am. I support #shat with my life.
> 
>  
> 
> Also I am LYING this is not serious at all??????????????????????? Not in the slightest????????????????????????? Why????????????????????????????????

"We need to talk, Chat."

Chat sits perched on a chimney while Ladybug stands in front of him, hands on her hips and a frown on her face.

"About what, My Lady?" He purrs. She squints her eyes at him.

"You fucking know what you ogre fucker bitchass fuckin dude dude." She states. He sighs and rolls his eyes.

"What, are you jealous, Ladybug? You let me down hard back when I was like super young which I'm not now because then my relationship would be even fuckin wierder. I'm like 20 or 18 or something legal. I'm finally over you, and I found someone who actually likes me! Can't you just be happy for me!" He yells, distressed. Ladybug blinks and walks over to him, putting a hand on his knee.

"Listen, Chat," She starts, "I know how hard I crushed you back then. You cried for weeks. I saw the pain you were going through and felt really guilty for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is," She sighs.

"I just don't want you to get your heart broken all ogre again."


	9. Got A Small Case Of The Angsty Pangstys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what do you even expect me to say here at this point we are 9 chapters in we are making this journey together we are both feeling different than we did at the start of this and its all thanks to #shat

"Shrek, can we talk?"

Shrek turns away from the stove where he was roasting a rat and looks into Chat's tear-filled eyes.

"What's wrong, Chat? You got your tongue?" Shrek asks, referencing the phrase cat got your tongue if you didn't get that. Chat shrugs and steps forward.

"I was talking with Ladybug earlier and," He starts. "She brought up a really good point. I, am a very sensitive cat boy. What if you end up breaking my heart?" His hands ball into fists and he looks at Shrek, determined. "I need to know that this is serious. That WE are serious." Shrek stares at him in awe and engulfs him. In a hug. He doesn't eat him. Yet ;).

"Chat, of course I'm serious about this." Shrek can hear Chat purring into his chest. "You are my Prince Charming."

"That's really wierd to say, Shrek." Chat says, muffled by Shrek's shirt. "Pretty fucking wierd dude."


	10. Shrek Is Insecure And I'm Still Writing This Fucking Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets get #shat trending~

Chat crawls into bed next to Shrek and wraps an arm around his torso. Shrek scoots away from his embrace and turns his back to him. Chat is surprised.

"Shrek? Are you okay?" He asks tenderly. Shrek pauses, then slowly turns to face him.

"I just," He sighs. "I'm a hideous ogre! You could be a model with your looks!" Chat lets out a very long really high pitched scream. Shrek slumps back into the bed and patiently waits for him to run out of breath. He finally does. "Are you done?"

"Yes, I just thought you found out my true identity. But you didn't. Carry on." He replies.

"So, as I was saying, you're really hot and I could never compare to your looks. I'm just feeling pretty bummed about it." Chat immediately holds him close.

"Never say that to me again, Shrek. You're beautiful, nothing can compare to you, my love." He purrs into Shrek's longass ear. 

"But-"

"No butts." Chat interrupts. "You are the shrexiest person I know."


	11. Chat Noir And Shrek Make Headlines And Also Sweet, Sweet Love Which I'm Not Writing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They take their relationship to the next layer

They decide together to tell Paris about their relationship. The next day, the headline on the Ladyblog reads 'Ladybug Evidence: Is Our Hero's Favorite Color Not Actually Red?.' Under that and to the side there's a smaller headline for a smaller article that says "Chat Noir Is Banging Shrek Holy Shit." That evening, Ladybug and Shrek finally meet face to face. They get along surprisingly well, even telling a few jokes to each other. As their laughter dies down, Ladybug turns serious.

"So, you both told the news, huh?" She asks. They nod.

"We felt like it was time." Chat says. She hums and turns to Shrek.

"So, hotshot, how does it feel to be famous now?" She questions. Shrek pauses to think for a bit.

"Honestly, it's a bit ogrewhelming."


	12. I Think An Apology Is In Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuckij please make me stoooop now im getting ideas for #shatybug

Chat and Ladybug are out on patrol the next night. Right before he jumps onto the roof to begin making his rounds about the city, he hears a gentle cough behind him. Chat looks over his shoulder at Ladybug, who's head is facing the ground and is kicking dirt around.

"Yes, My Lady?" He asks. She reluctantly looks up at him.

"I-I'm sorry." She mumbles.

"For what?"

"For not trusting you." She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and looks away. "For not trusting Shrek. I didn't know he was so kind." Chat grins at her.

"Apology forgiven." He declares and javelins himself onto the nearest rooftop. He hears the soft pat of Ladybug landing beside him.

"So I was wondering, how serious are you two?" She inquired. Chat looks up at the stars.

"Shrek is my love." He reveals. "Shrek is my life."


	13. Do Not Harass Shrek He's Just Trying His Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hope and dream that one day lynn1998 will leave me a kudos~

Shrek is not used to his new found popularity. Which is why when he gets unexpectedly bombarded by paparazzi while walking out of the grocery store, he doesn't know how to react.

"Shrek, how did you and Chat Noir meet?" A reporter asks.

"Mr. Shrek, what the fuck?" Another reporter asks.

"Yo Shrek, how's the sex?" Alya asks from the crowd.

Shrek is feeling ogrewhelmed and is two seconds away from scaring them all off and ruining his reputation when he sees a flash of red drop beside him.

"Fuck the fuck off, everyone. Seriously? Are you really cornering him in the fucking Piggly Wiggly? Shame on you all!" Ladybug yells into the crowd. She turns to Shrek. "Are you okay? You look a bit shrekened up." Shrek looks up at her in awe.

"I'm fine, I just want to leave." He replies. She wraps an arm around him and winds her arm back, ready to throw her yo-yo. "Thank you, Ladybug." He says in awe. She smirks at him and flings her yo-yo around a streetlamp. Before they launch, someone yells from the crowd.

"You need a life!" A reporter cleverly and originally insults. Shrek turns to the crowd.

"No." He states. "I need a hero."


	14. MOM HOLY FUCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am at prom updating just 5 u <3

Marinette likes to tell herself that she's over her crush on Adrien. She's fucking not, but it's a nice thought. At least now that they're older, she's grown past her stuttering and can actually invite him to hang out with her. Today they are on a picnic in the park, exchanging small talk.

"So, have you heard about Chat Noir and Shrek?" Adrien asks. Marinette sighs in exasperation.

"Ugh, who hasn't? It's on every magazine and every channel. 'Paris' Hottest New Couple'." She mocks. Adrien quirks his eyebrow.

"Yeah, I feel like it's really an ogrekill." Adrien says. Marinette stares at Adrien in shock, noticing something in him she never did before. She immediately punches him in the face. 

"Holy damnass shit!" Adrien yells as he falls off the bench. He holds his face and looks at Marinette, noticing something in her he never did before.

"Uh, hi Ladybug."

"Sup Chat."


	15. This Is Just Like That Episode Of icarly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more like that scene in the legend of korra u kno the one season 1 episode 5 i knew that on the spot

Ladybug hears a thump on the rooftop behind her.

"Well, you're here early, Cha-" She turns around and sees that it is in fact not Chat Noir behind her.

"I need your help." Shrek says.

"How in the hell did you get up here?" Ladybug asks.

"I want to get Chat a gift, but I don't know what he likes." Shrek says, completely ignoring the question.

"You've been dating him for what, 15 chapters? How do you not know what stuff he likes?"

"I've tried giving him gifts before. Just last week I got him a dead bird. Cats are supposed to like dead birds!" Shrek shrieks. "Instead, he had a horrible allergic reaction and almost died!" Shrek is in distress. Ladybug pouts her lips.

"That's rough, buddy." She puts her hand on her chin. "Hmmm, what kind of gift do you get a rich kid? He can buy fuckin anything, so it has to be meaningful. Oh, I got it!" She exclaims. Shrek leans down and listens intently.

"We all know Chat gives you, like, tons of blowjobs. Have you ever returned the favor?" She asks. Shrek looks down ashamed and shakes his head. "What to fuck? Treat your man right, Shrek!" He nods.

"Thank you, Ladybug! I'll be sure to give him one right away!" Shrek says graciously and goes in for a hug. Suddenly, he slips. Ladybug catches him and, after some flailing on both parts, they wind up in a romantic dip. They hear a choked up sound and turn their heads to see Chat Noir.

"Wh- wha?" He sputters. "I. I-I can't believe you!" Tears are streaming down his face. "You know I'm sensitive!" Snot is dripping out of his nose. It's pretty gross tbh. "My best friend and boyfriend! Cheating on me with each other! Fuck y'all all y'all!" He screams.

"Chat it's not what you-" They say in unison.

"Shut up in unison!" Chat cries. "Our friendship, our relationship-"

"Chat, please-" They say in unison again, quieter this time.

"It's all ogre now!" He yells and storms off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we popping the BIGGEST bottles when shrekybug happens next chapter


	16. Where's Billy Ray Cyrus When You Need Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this update is taking place at walmart

"Open up, Shrek!" Ladybug calls, pounding on his door.

"Get out me swamp!" Shrek yells halfheartedly from inside.

"I fucking swear this little shit. Lucky Charm!" She's expecting a key or something like that to fall from the sky. Instead, a polka-dotted battle axe lands in her arms. She inspects it closely. 

"I can end this fic right now. Just one swing and nobody has to know." She whispers. She's lost in thought for a moment then shakes her head. "No, Ladybug, stay strong." she tells herself. She knocks on the door again.

"Fuck off!" Shrek yells. Ladybug sighs.

"I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your superhero friend by coming in anyway!" She chops his fucking door down with the battle axe. Shrek is lying on the floor in the fetal position crying. His speakers are playing Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright on repeat. She sits next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Sport." She murmurs. "We just gotta tell Chat what actually happened and-"

"No! He hates me!" Shrek sobs. "He's the only person who's ever loved me and I ruined it!"

"What about Fiona?" Shrek tenses.

"Who?"

"Fiona, your wife?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Dude, weren't there, like, 4 movies about you guys."

"You see I actually don't recall-"

"Yeah, and also a musical! What ever happened to h-"

"LALALALALALA CAN'T HERE YOU LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA" Shrek sings with his fingers in his long stupid vuvuzela-ass lookin ears. Ladybug tries to stop his singing but he won't stop. Hallelujah plays 3 more times before Shrek shuts the fuck up again. She immediately grabs a pillow from his couch and starts beating the absolute piss out of him with it. He's crying harder now. Suddenly, the door opens.

"Shrek, I wanted to apologise, I overreacted and just assumed that-" Chat freezes halfway into the room. He looks at Ladybug straddling Shrek, then at Shrek, who has a bloody nose and is crying.

"Y-you guys get me out of the picture then have a sexy pillow fight together?! I can't believe this!" He snot-cries again and storms off. Ladybug whips her head to Shrek.

"What do fuck? How does he think this, me beating the shit out of you, is us cheating on him?" She argues. Shrek shrugs.

"Well, this is how our sex usually winds up."

"With blood everywhere and someone crying?"

"Don't fucking kinkshame me in my own swamp you spandex handbag." Shrek spits. Ladybug sighs and puts down the whacking pillow.

"Alright, so all we need to do is tell Chat what's really going on, okay? Is that plan good enough for you?" Ladybug asks. Shrek turns his head and sighs sadly.

"It'll never work. I'll never experience love again." He says. Ladybug rolls her eyes and whacks him with the pillow again.

"Stop being such a pushogre!"


	17. The Game Plan With (unfortunately) Less Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson Than That Movie That's Also Called The Game Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> id like to announce that we have fanart for our lovely ship #shat
> 
> https://twitter.com/AlixMBthought/status/721393875852595200
> 
> https://twitter.com/espurr_roba/status/722626253723820032
> 
> what the fuck happened last chapter i dont remember im just gonna type shit and immediately post it like usual hope it fits

Shrek and Ladybug are laying in the fountain across from the Agreste Mansion. Their heads poke out above the water and Ladybug is peering through binoculars.

"He's here." She says, like it's some big revelation even though its literately his house where he lives. She hands the binoculars to Shrek and aims it through his window. Shrek spots a blonde boy wearing red and black polkadotted boxers trying to teach himself how to heeley. He keeps falling. His face is red from crying. There is, so much snot.

"Who in the fuck is this twink ass?" Shrek asks nonchalantly, passing the binoculars back to Ladybug.

"It's your baby boo, Adrien. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHIT I FORGOT TO TELL YOU WELL SHIT I AM NOW WHOOPS." She screeches. Shrek raises an eyebrow. Does Shrek has eyebrows? Shrek raises an eyebrow muscle that may or may not have an eyebrow on it.

"Who's Adrien?"

"Chat Noir."

"Yeah, I get that. I don't fucking live in Paris. I don't know who Adrien is."

"He's Chat." Shrek pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I. I know. I know that part. You are literately telling me a name. I know nothing about that name. Who is Adrien." 

"Your Boyfriend!" She screams and throws her arms in the air.

"Holy shit you are the most frustrating little dickass I've ever talked to. Why. Why are you like this." Ladybug doesn't know how to respond so she just dips her mouth under the water and blows bubbles. Shrek patiently waits for her to stop. She stops, after an unspecified amount of time. You, the viewer, get to decide when she stops. Look at this interactive fanfiction can you handle how innovative this fic is. Shrek fic 4D. B) nice.

"So, you got the plan?" She asks. He digs in his ass and pulls out a scroll. The ink is smudged from the water. None of it is legible. "Wow you fucking ruined it. Nice job Shrek."

"I'm illiterate I don't care." He responds. She sighs and takes the scroll, rips it to pieces, and eats the bits.

"Okay, new plan. We walk in there, get to his room, and tell him what really happened. That sound cool?" Shrek pouts.

"How will we get past security?"

"Fuck security, they're lame."

"Ok." They look up to see Adrien staring at them through his window. He has enough snot to lubricate a jet plane. He's agrestively using sign language and also screaming. He's not screaming his message, just screaming in general. Anyway, he signs 'YOU BOTH BREAK UP WITH ME AND THEN HAVE A SEXY POOL PARTY TOGETHER??? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!' in caps lock. I don't know how he does it, but he does. That boy is talented. He tries to heeley away but falls. What a loser.

"I think he saw us." Shrek says.

"Time to skedaddle!" Ladybug states. Shrek stands up from the pond. Ladybug's eyes immediately go to his soaked ass. 'Holy damn.' she thinks to herself. 'That's a mighty fine pair of HOT DOG HOLDER. How juicy.~' Shrek looks down at her.

"Why did you make us lay down in a fountain?" Shrek asks. 

"Stealth, duh, dum bass." She replies. "Are you the fucking ready?" Shrek pauses and pulls out Beats by Dre©. They aren't connected to anything, but they are somehow blasting Bad Reputation.

"I'm ready."


	18. CHATTTTTTTTTT NOOOOOOO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mamas makin chicken tonight im excited

Shrek kicks down the door to Adrien's room. Ladybug launches herself off his back and unnecessarily does a handspring doublefront somersault. She sticks the landing and points at Adrien.

"We need to talk, Shitlord." She announces. Adrien whips around with a can of bug spray aimed right at her. She takes a step back.

"Chat, you wouldn't." Shrek pleads.

"I'm a kitty on the edge!" He shouts. "Back, back I say!" Ladybug cautiously steps backwards with Adrien following until she's in the hallway. He sprays the doorframe. Ladybug tries to walk back in, but it's like an invisible wall. Adrien turns to Shrek.

"What in the heck do you want?" He asks.

"I want to talk about our relationship." Shrek pleads.

"Ha, what relationship?" Adrien scoffs. Shrek's ears droop. "I'm Adrien Agreste. I don't know who you are."

"But Ladybug told me-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Adrien screams with his fingers in his ears. Shrek waits it out, used to this by now.

"Can you go get him for me then?" He asks once Adrien stops screaming.

"Let me check to see if he's busy." Adrien looks at the black screen of his phone for a second. "He said he's on his way." Adrien spins on his heel and pulls off his black shirt. He ties it around his eyes and turns back.

"Miaou, sup." Chat says.

"Wow, how did you get here so fast, Chat?" Shrek asks with pure sarcasm.

"Oh, you know," Chat says. "Cat-like reflexes." He goes to scratch his head but can't see what he's doing and ends up punching himself in the face. He flies to the floor

"Are you okay, dear?" Shrek asks, concerned. He's pulling Chat up by his elbow.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Chat says, waving him back. "I felt a bug on my face. It's dead now." Ladybug folds her arms from the doorway and pouts. Chat walks to her and closes the door in her face. He turns to Shrek. "What did you want to tell me?" Shrek takes a deep breath and begins rambling.

"Ladybug and I are not cheating on you with each other we just platonically fell on each other then she platonically beat my ass then we platonically got wet together and I didn't mean to fuck this up between us because you're the best thing in my life and I love you and never want to hurt you again and I want to make things right and I want to make you my wife-" Shrek throws his hands over his mouth in shock. He didn't mean to say that much. He looks at Chat in surprise to see the dude's reaction. His face is hard to read half because of the blindfold and other half because he's not making an expression. His hands are trying to find their way to Shrek's face. It takes 3 minutes of blind struggle until his hands are on the ogre's cheeks. He pulls him down for a deep kiss. Shrek notes that the kiss tastes like snot. Chat pulls away and he sees that he's crying, which explains the snot.

"You really want to marry me?" Chat asks. Shrek smiles at him with the kindest look on his face.

"Really really."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact so i was trying to find a name for a fancy gymnastics move for ladybug to do and thought to my self "i can just watch a scene from Stick It and use it from there." this fic wouldve been out yesterday but instead i ended up watching the whole movie.


	19. Dear God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets get this fic trending so i could say that i #shat everywhere

When they open the door they find Ladybug leaning on the wall across from them with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. She looks more bitter than usual, like she just sucked on a lemon and then another one and maybe a third lemon after that. She kicks off the wall and walks towards them, who are both grinning and have their arms interlaced.

"You guys were in there for like 4 hours. I'm swinging your ass home, Shrek. I almost left you here. What the fuck were you both doing in there?" She complained.

"Making sweet, sweet love." Shrek replies. She rolls her eyes.

"So what, was it hate sex or are you two back to normal?" She asks. Shrek and Chat look at each other eagerly and back at Ladybug. Chat's eyes are twinkling with excitement through the holes he stabbed into his shirt that's still tied around his head. He moves his hand in front of her to show her a chunk of Shrek's earwax wrapped around his ring finger.

"Even better!" He marvels. "We're taking our relationship to the next layer!"


	20. Say Yes To The Dress Can EAT MY ASS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter does not contain enough ogre puns for my comfort level

Marinette has a terrible, terrible headache. Why? Because of how often she's rolled her eyes in the past week. Why? Because Adrien assigned her for designing both his and Shrek's outfits for the wedding. She was quick to protest, but the gargantuous stack of euros he slammed onto her desk convinced her otherwise. So, now she's stuck sitting in this dressing room watching him pick out clothes so he could get a feel for what he wants her to design.

"Once again, you do not need to wear black leather for your wedding." She says with an eyeroll as Adrien walks out in the seventh leather dress he's tried on today. He looks at himself in the mirror, hands on his hips and swaying around.

"Are you kidding, I look so damn good in this shit." He replies. He's right though. The dress doesn't fit his chest, but his curves look juicy and nice. The dress has a sweetheart neckline and a nice ballgown poof at the bottom (he requested a dress with lots of layers). He's detransformed so he could change clothes, but they smuggled in a pair of cat ears, mask, and a belled collar for him to wear. They still brought their kwamis just in case someone decided to fuck up Paris. Now that she thinks of it...

"Where's Plagg?" She asks. Adrien tugs the top of his dress down and Plagg nyooms out of his tits. The kwami takes deep struggled breaths.

"Glad to know SOMEONE HERE is concerned about me!" He cries and turns to Adrien. "You are a sweaty little man, aren't you?" Adrien shrugs. After a pause, Plagg shrugs too, and flies back into Titty City. Marinette checks her purse.

"How're you doing in there?" She asks her kwami.

"Shut the damn door, I want no part in this fic!" Tikki screams.

"Fair enough." Mari says and shuts the bag. She looks up at Adrien fucking glistening in that leather dress. She has the urge to dive into his asshole, but suppresses it.

"That's it, I'm going find something more wedding-appropriate for you to wear." She announces and storms out of the room. She returns 38 seconds later fuming.

"What The Fuck Why Is Everything In This Entire Store Black." She yells as a statement. Adrien quirks an eyebrow at her.

"Didn't you read the sign when we walked in?" He asks. "We're in Dark Target."


	21. adrienthoughts read this fic i beg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> @adrienthoughts hear my call
> 
> also i actually havent watched any of the shrek movies in a year so ~whoops~ if shrek had more outfit changes

If Ladybug hated shopping with Chat (which she did), Shrek is 100000000 times worse. Yet another example why Shrek and Chat are polar opposites. While Chat tried on 26, 26! dresses, Shrek was clinging to his rucksack clothes for dear life.

"Shrek, I am a designer, there is no fucking way I'm letting you get married in that shit." Ladybug sighed.

"STOP COMING FOR MY BRAND, BUG!" Shriek shreked. "I NEVER CHANGED MY CLOTHES ONCE." Ladybug rolls her eyes.

"Shrek 2." She says.

"That doesn't count, I wasn't my own species!" He yells.

"Shrek, listen." She says in a comforting voice, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Shut the fuck up. I don't want to get kicked out of Big and Tall." She turns to the pile of suits she picked out for him as Shrek reluctantly tugs off his clothes. When she turns back, her eyes immediately focus on his naked form. Her face is as red as her suit. 'Damn,' she thinks, 'I want that ass for breakfast." Her eyes immediately go wide and she punches herself in the face to snap herself out of it.

"What the fuck why Ladybug please why" Shrek sighs, used to her spastic actions.

"J-just try these on!" She yells, shoving the pile of clothes in his hand and then flinging him into a dressing room. She spends the time he's in there to just, stop and kinkshame herself. She hears the door open behind her and spins around.

"Well, I seem to have overestimated you," She says, eyeing Shrek who's engulfed in the suit. "I assumed you were ogreweight."


	22. The Weeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is recommended you watch far far away idol before reading this chapter

It's the day of the wedding and Ladybug is more stressed out than everyone else. Shrek has sweat through his suit so many times that she has to carry around a blowdryer. Chat, on the other hand, has been a complete bridezilla. She rolls her eyes as he screams.

"These ears aren't real leather!" He screams like I just said he did.

"How, how can you even tell?" She asks. He frowns at her.

"They don't feel anything like my ears when I transform!" She pauses, then puts her hand on her forehead.

"Chat, you dumbass, you are wearing gloves when you're transformed. Everything feels like gloves." She says. He tries to retaliate with more complaining but she just walks out of the room. Chat also hired her to be the photographer, which she doesn't understand. Just because she's Ladybug and a fashion designer and is sorta poor and would do anything for money doesn't mean she can take good photos. He claimed she could when he dropped the wad of cash into her hands. He said those pictures all over her room were pretty high quality then winked and OH GOD NOW SHE UNDERSTANDS WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. SHIT.

The music starts playing and she focuses on the wedding. Shrek is next to the priest, who is a hooded figure. Instead of a handkerchief, Shrek has a sock sticking out of his pocket. It's one of the many many spares they've had to use due to his constant sweat seepage. The doors open behind her and she turns herself and the camera at Chat. There is tons of snot leaking down his face. Was he crying already? She looks down at the bouquet she was NOT assigned to make him. The flowers are green and yellow, and the florist motherfucker for some reason put feathers in it. What the fuck why that doesn't even look that good. As Chat passes her on his way down the aisle, she snatches the bouquet out of his hands. Then, she whacks him in the head with it for being stupid. He continues down the aisle and she follows behind him. When they get there, she grabs the sock out of Shrek's pocket and uses it to wipe all the snot off Chat's face.

"Thanks mom." They say in unison. She nods gently and walks back to the camera. Shrek and Chat turn to each other with wide grins on their faces. The hooded priest raises his arms and everyone turns their attention to him. He clears his throat.

"I am not good with weddings and have no idea what I'm doing." He says. "So we are just gonna skip to vows." Ladybug makes a mental note to herself to leave a horrible yelp review for him. Shrek is sweating all over the place and Chat is starting to leak some snot. She notices their tendencies to secrete all the time. They really were made for each other. Shrek pulls out a crumpled piece of paper and clears his throat.

"Ch-Chat, when I met you.... uh.." He sputters. "The you, very good at blowjobs." He chuckles nervously. Nobody else laughs. "Uh. Ummmmm." He adjusts his tie. So, so much sweat is happening right now. Shrek frowns and tears up his vows. "Fuck it I'm freestyling this." He pulls out a harmonica from nowhere and starts playing the absolute shit out of it.

"What I like about you," Shrek sings, "You really hold me tight. Tell me I'm the only one gonna come over tonight. Yeah!" Chat grins.

"Keep on whispering in my ear. Tell me all the things that I wanna hear cause it's true." Chat sings.

"That's what I like about you! Yeeeeah yeah!" They sing in unison. Ladybug has never wanted to die more than she has in this moment. Could this wedding get any worse. Suddenly the priest pushes them apart and pulls off his hood. It's Simon Cowell.

"For what is a maaaaaaaan, what has he got, if not himseeeeeeeeeeelf~" Simon sings. Yes, Ladybug thinks, it can get worse.


	23. Thee Wefdling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why did i make this 2 chapters when it could've easily been 1 you ask
> 
> because i need to make 69 chapters

It takes 35 minutes for everyone to shut up and resume the wedding. Out of frustration, Ladybug made Simon look up all the shit priests are supposed to say at weddings. He's reading his speech off his phone while Chat and Shrek stand hand in paw with each other. She looks at them through her camera. She's gotta say, she did a pretty great job at fixing them up for the wedding. Chat looks radiant in his gown. It's black leather, of course, but even though she fought with him about it, he looks damn good in it. Shrek is nearly glowing. She tailored his blue tux to fit him perfectly. Shrek has a body. Shrek has a good body. Ladybug didn't want to admit it, but they might be the hottest couple in Paris.

She's already completely drowned out everything the priest is saying because it's probably boring shit. He could be reading My Immortal for all she knows. Her only focus for the moment is Shrek and Chat. They're both grinning ear to ear. Their eyes are sparkling with pure adoration for each other. She feels a pang in her chest. She wants someone to look at her like that. She wants to be able to look at someone like that. She stops herself and shakes her head, trying to snap out of this funk she's in. Try as she might, she can't help it. The true love Shrek and Chat have for each other is like an aura. She could've had Chat, but she waited for Adrien. Then, Adrien turned out to be Chat, and she didn't think much of it. He was already dating Shrek, and honestly the revelation that Chat and Adrien are the same person sorta made her crush on him dwindle a bit. She never thought she could love Chat. Like him, sure. Fuck him, YES that sweet ass. But not love him. Now that she sees him looking at Shrek that way, she wants to feel that gaze on her. 

She doesn't want to replace Shrek though. She was reluctant about him at first. Ever since the movies first came out, she never thought of him as her type. For fucks sake, her first crush was a supermodel! She didn't want to warm up to him. It wasn't until she got to know him personally. Then she was able to notice how sweet he is. It was cute how he came to her for help on a gift for Chat, and when they fell into that embrace, she felt something warm inside her gut. She thought at the time that it was just the large Pizza Hut Supreme Handtossed Pizza with extra marinara sauce that she devoured before she went on patrol that night that brought her to that feeling, but now that she thinks of it, it might've been something else.

She doesn't have anyone. All she has is this damn bouquet of flowers and feathers. She holds the bouquet to her chest and sighs into it. She inspects it, and sees that the feathers are red and black. They're placed evenly in the bouquet. Not too many to overfill the bouquet, and not too little to be unnoticed. She realizes that since Chat can't touch the bouquet, he can't throw it later. Because of her, no one can catch it. She recalls going to her uncle's wedding and asking her mom why her aunts and cousins were beating the shit out of each other for a pile of flowers. Her mom grinned down at her and told her the person who catches the bouquet is next to be married. Tiny Marinette told her mom that she thought that was stupid, then proceeded to scoop a spoonful of mashed potatoes and fling it at her grandfather's head. Current Marinette recalls how cool she was as a child, then goes back to brooding. She has the bouquet. Now no one attending the wedding can pretend that they're next in line to get married. It's almost as if she's already ruined someone's wedding. 

"Shut up," Tikki tells her in her ear. "You idiot, you have the bouquet!"

"Yes, I know that." She tells her. "I just thought that."

"No, you're being stupid. You have the bouquet. You're the next one to be married. Now shut up. I have to suffer through this fic and everything you think while you're Ladybug. Now stop brooding, you'll find someone next!" Ladybug looks at Shrek and Chat. They're leaning in for a kiss. An idea comes to her mind. Tikki is already 2 tiny feet ahead of her and just starts screaming in her ear to stop what she's doing. Ladybug ignores her and throws down the bouquet. She stomps up the aisle.

"I OBJECT!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i caught the bouquet at the last three weddings ive attended. im not eager to get married or anything, i like free stuff and can jump really high when im excited. for free stuff.


	24. So Long No Semen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> emphasis on the no semen  
> because there is no semen in this chapter
> 
> im so dizzy and tierd i am sory for thsi chapter and everything elsp tbh

Chat and Shrek whip their heads around to see Ladybug stomping up the aisle, bouquet in hand and pure fury on her face. But not pure furry on her face, because that's for the honeymoon tonight if Ladybug has anything to do with it. It's a joke, because Chat's a furry, because I've never made that joke before. Where the fuck was I. Yeah so she's going up there and they're disgruntled. 

"Seriously Mari! Don't do this! I thought you wanted us to be happy!" Chat pleads. 

"I guess you never actually supported our relationship, did you?" Shrek asks softly. "It was all a lie." Ladybug quirks an eyebrow at him. 

"What the fuck are you on about? I'm like the biggest #shat shipper in Paris!" She yells. There's an annoyed huff behind her. Ladybug turns to see Alya in one of the seats holding her camera up and wearing cat ears and green face paint. "I mean second biggest." 

"Waitwaitawaitiawitwait!" Chat says. They wait. He stares at them unmoving and in complete silence for a minute. During that minute, Shrek pokes his shoulder and watches Chat rock a bit, still completely stiff. Suddenly, Chat jumps back to life. "If you're not trying to stop our marriage, then what are you trying to do?" Ladybug blushes and shrugs, looking at the floor next to her. 

"I want in." She says simply. Chat turns beet red and Shrek turns blue because red and green make blue I think. Wait they don't. WHat the fuck. Okay. 

"Y-you. You want in?" Chat stutters. 

"In on what, in on the merchandise?" Shrek asks. "In on the swamp because you'll have to pay rent!" He says, not believing she's saying what he thinks she's saying. 

"No. Well yeah, that too. But no. I want in on #shat." She mumbles. Chat faints. Shrek's just chilling but you know how it is. 

"You're not gonna break us up just so you can have a piece!" Shriek shreks. Ladybug rolls her eyes. 

"No what. I'm not doing that! I want IN. I want POLY." She explains. Chat jumps up from the ground so he and Shrek can gasp and go 'oooooooh.' in unison. 

"Oooooooh." They say in unison. They hear a crash behind them. 

"Wait hold the fuck up!" Alya yells, crawling over the chairs, recording everything, and trying to draw dots all over her face to turn her outfit into a #shatybug aesthetic. What a multitasker. "HOw did this shit happen what?! I mean, I'm not complaining or anything, but how?!?!?!" Ladybug smiles into the camera, then turns to Chat and Shrek to smile into their cameras. eyes . 

"I guess I'm just accidentally in love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://twitter.com/marinetthoughts/status/737479110780432384


	25. Fuckif gid damn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To add to the list of wierd places I've updated shrek fic at  
> I am writing this chapter in gorilla mun's bed

The wedding continues with Ladybug hastily added into the mix. Simon is aggravated because he can't find an article that explains how to do a three way marriage, so he freestyles it. The whole time, Ladybug is keeping solid eye contact with him while writing a shitty review of his work on Angie's List.

When they are finally wed, Alya eagerly throws handfuls of rice at them all. She runs out of rice and then starts throwing her shoes. Those run out almost instantly, so she somehow manages to stage dive into them. Ladybug catches her in her arms bridal style. They suddenly are locked in some sweet sweet eye contact and both begin to blush profusely. Ladybug feels something flutter inside her that is not an akuma she may or may not have eaten earlier. Suddenly, she freezes, and drops Alya to the floor.

"Not in this fic." Ladybug says, looking straight ahead. "That is for a different fic. A good fic." 

After the wedding, they all meet up at the swamp for the honeymoon so they could experience each other. Shrek turns to them expectedly only to see that they're both just fucking standing there awkwardly shifting feet and looking at everywhere but him.

"What is wrong, my loves?" Shrek asks gently.

"This is the part where we have to detransform and reveal ourselves to you, right?" Chat asks reluctantly. Shrek puts a very enormous hand on the twink's shoulder.

"Chat, I already know who you are." Shrek murmurs and looks up to see Ladybug violently flailing her arms in a variety of gestures that mean stop. "Y-you are a strong beautiful dude under that mask, I'm sure of it." He bullshits. "I don't need to know your identity to see that, which I don't! Know your identity, that is." 

Chat blushes at his ogre and drops his transformation. Shrek pretends to act shocked and asks for an autograph.

"Well, I don't usually do these, but for my husband, I'll sign anything!~" Adrien says smugly. Shrek gets him to sign a pile of mud. After that, Adrien settles to the bed and Shrek turns to Ladybug. She's staring at her feet and is shaking nervously. He puts two of his hands on one of her shoulders for a double reassurance stance.

"Wait, shouldn't you have one hand on my other shoulder?" She asks. Suddenly, there's a questionable third Shrek hand on her other shoulder.

"Ladybug, I know this must be hard for you, dropping your transformation in front of me for the first time, but if you could trust me enough to marry me, you can trust me on this." Shrek reassures. Ladybug nods and drops her transformation. She looks exactly the same just with no mask or spandex. In the corner of his eye, Shrek sees something red fly out the door and slam it shut.

"I-I'm Marinette Dupain-Cheng." She mumbles.

"Cool. I still don't know who that Fucking is. I'm seriously not originally from Paris. I don't know the locals. You are just giving me a name. Why are you like thi-" Marinette puts a finger on his lip and looks at him seductively.

"Remember that gift I told you to give Chat a few chapters ago?" She asks.

"Oh, YOU MEAN THE BLOWJOB THING?" Shrek asks, metaphorically taking the element of surprise in his green bara hands and throwing it out the window. 

"Well now it's time to deliver, loverboy." Marinette says. Shrek looks behind her at Adrien.

"I think he's got that covered." Shrek says. Marinette turns around to see Adrien on the bed with one leg in the air, licking himself like a cat. Plagg is on the bed next to him, doing the same exact thing. Suddenly, Adrien starts heaving. After a minute, he spits out a hairball.

"Better out than in, I always say." Shrek chuckles.


	26. the clams before the store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention last time  
> i made an 8track playlist for this fic~~~
> 
> http://8tracks.com/marinetthoughts/shat

Shrek is in awe. He always thought he'd only have 0 love. But now he has 2 love. That's not even double what he thought he'd have because 2x0=0 which is still what he thought he'd have.

He walks into the kitchen to see his beautiful husband and wife. Adrien is laying under the kitchen table biting one of the chair legs, as you do. His legs are pedalling like he's on a bicycle. Marinette is chilling at the stove makin some sweet sweet breakfast. Shrek squats next to Adrien and lovingly ruffles his hair. He's Chat now. Then, he stands back up and walks over to Mari. He puts his chunky dunky arms around her waist and kisses her neck. She screams and punches him in the face.

"Shick Shret, I thought you were death or something! DOn't sneak up on me ever ever." She yells.

"I'm sorry my sweet wife, I did not mean to." Shrek says. He peeks over her shoulder. "Waaaaaatcha makin?" She smiles and turns back around to the stove.

"Well, since it's all of our first day as a couple together, I thought I'd make something special~." She hums. She turns around with a plate full of warm not-pancakes.

"I'm makin waffles!" She proudly exclaims. Shrek freezes in place. Eddie Murphy's voice echoes in his head. He screams like a banshee and grabs the plate. Kicking open the front door, he tosses the entire thing out of the house.

"HEY YOU FUCK!" a gentle angry lady voice yells. Shrek turns to Mari and puts his hands on her shoulders which seriously no one in this fic can go a chapter without touching shoulders I should tag that as a kink or smth. But yeah his hands are on her shoulders. He leans in closely.

"Never tell me that again."

"EVER.'


	27. The stor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adding to the list of wierd places I've updated shrek fic from
> 
> I'm in a hole

Shrek, Marinette, and Adrien are pouting at the dining table.

"Adrien is hungry!" Adrien says.

"Well, you WOULD have food if Shrek didn't toss it out the door." Marinette replies bitterly. Shrek shivers.

"I didn't realise you used all the ingredients in the household." He states. Marinette rolls her eyes.

"Well then, go buy more food. Treat your spouses right!" She spits. Shrek lugs himself off the chair and walks to the front door. He opens it, looks out, and then immediately shuts the door and lens his back on it, looking wide-eyed.

"Yknow what I decided that we have all had enough food in our lifetimes and don't need any more." He announces.

"Don't be such a wuss." Mari says. The bluenette digs into Adrien's pocket and steals his wallet. 

"Nonononono Marinette don't fucking-" Shrek says but is interrupted with Mari fucking opening the door. Outside is a sea of various magical creatures from fairy tales. Leading the army is a very angry ogre with waffles splashed all over her dress. 

Fiona and Marinette share a glance at each other and Mari nods. She goes back into the house and pulls Shrek to the door by his long fuckin ear. Adrien follows suit because he likes drama.

"What in the entire fuck, Shrek! Where the fuck have you been? I can't believe after all we've been through you'd just-" Fiona pauses and squints at Shrek. "IS THAT A FUCKING HICKEY?!?!?!" Marinette stiffens, Adrien's pants stiffen, and Shrek's meaty hand flies to his neck.

"N n n nnnno of course not" he lies. "It's just a bug bite." Marinette sighs and goes back in the house.


	28. shrek pees sont pantalons sept fois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have i mentioned the 8track playlist i made for #shat before  
> if not then  
> http://8tracks.com/marinetthoughts/shat  
> ;0

Shrek, Adrien, Marinette, and Fiona are all sitting at the tiny dining table in the swamp. The other creatures are just hanging out around or whatever. Mari and Fiona are eating the waffles they scraped off Fiona's dress. Shrek gets no food. He's been a bad boy. Adrien is holding the maple syrup bottle over his head and is waiting for it to drip into his mouth. It's taking a while.

"Alright, so. Please run through what the hap has fucked." Mari says to Fiona. She sighs and turns to Shrek, giving him the most disappointed glare she could muster. Marinette turns and does the same. Shrek pees his pants. Everyone notices. Nobody breaks their glance. They turn back to each other.

"So, we were all planning on going to Hawaii for vacation; me, Shrek, and our 1000 children." Fiona starts.

"Objection!" Shrek yells. "They're not our kids! They're just some random ass mythical creatures!" At that moment two ogre babies run past dragging a third ogre baby by the leg. The third one is screaming for help. They glare at him again. Even Adrien glares at him, at the exact moment a drop of maple syrup finally falls and lands on the front of his shirt.

"Aw dang." Adrien says, leaning back and waiting for the next drop.

"Fine, most of them aren't our kids!" Shrek says. Mari and Fiona glare at him for exactly 7 minutes and 38 seconds. They turn back to each other as Shrek pees his pants again.

"Alright, so we packed our bags and went to the airport. Somehow Shrek got misplaced-"

"I DID NAUGHT," Shriek shreked, referencing an expired meme. "YOU PUT ME IN A LUGGAGE BAG SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR A TICKET! YOU'RE LITERATELY A PRINCESS, YOU DON'T NEED TO SAVE MONEY!" They glared again. Shrek is wetter than the pool.

"When we got to Hawaii, we couldn't find him. So we all enjoyed a lovely 5 month vacation without him, then started to worry." Fiona said.

"YEAH," Shrek interrupts. "I ENDED UP BEING TAKEN ON A PLANE TO FRANCE. FUCKING 12 HOURS LATER, I GET UNZIPPED BY SOME OLD FUCK IN RED HOT PANTS WALTZING AROUND LIKE HE OWNS ALL OF FRANCE-"

"Dad?" Adrien asks, missing the second drop of maple syrup that drops on his shirt again. "Aw man!"

"AND THEN I HAD TO FIND A SWAMP IN HERE TO RELOCATE BECAUSE I'D BEEN A B A N D O N E D!" Glare. Pee.

"So we used the chip we have installed in him and found him in Paris." Fiona said.

"Wait??? Chip??? Where??? How???" Shrek yells.

"Suppository." Fiona states. Shrek pees yet again.

"Wait wait wait, are you for rizzle?!" Mari asks. "You just pretty much told me the plot of Home Alone."

"Home Alone 2, actually." Adrien says, missing the drop of syrup again. "Lost in New York, to be exact."

"Thank you Adrien. Yeah, Home Alone 2."Mari repeats.

"LOST IN NEW YORK." Adrien yells, leaning back and looking up with his mouth open, wiggling the syrup bottle, trying to will it to drop some of that sweet sweet nectar into his mouth. His screaming is so loud Shrek pees again.

"Well, that is what happened, exactly." Fiona said.

"Wow that's stupid." Mari replies.

"Yeah, really dumb, nice going Shrek." Adrien says from his position, a drop of syrup landing on that sorta divot part that's above your upper lip but below your nose that part.

"THAT IS IT!" sHREK YElls, pushing his chair back and stomping to the door. "Y'ALL ARE MEAN AND HURTFUL AND JUST PLAIN MEAN!" He swings it open.

"And where do you think you're going?" Fiona asks. Shrek tries to recreate the glare back at her but it's weak and somehow makes him pee again.

 

"I'm going far far away from all of you!" He yells and stomps out, slamming the door shut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shrek opens the door and pokes his head back inside.

"I'm not, I don't mean the city Far Far Away, I'm going- yeah you get it okay bye." He escapes again.


	29. The short adventures of Pee Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what can i even say at this point

Shrek is stomping around the cluttered streets of Paris. The people around him are collapsing because of his current pee stench. Hallelujah is playing from somewhere. He looks into a puddle and sees his reflection. He stomps on it because he's such a fucking diva. Got that from his husband.

He finds himself a nice bench under a bridge to sit and wallow at. Staring blankly into the distance, he notices something flutter in the corner of his eye. He turns and sees a black butterfly headed straight for him. His stomach growls. He licks his lips and opens his mouth wide, swallowing the butterfly whole. Suddenly, there's like some glow sticks or something around his eyes in the shape of a butterfly.

"You've been abandoned twice now by your love ones, haven't you, Pee Boy?" A deep voice says.

"Pee Boy??? Bescuse me???? Nope, not having it." Shriek shreks. Theres an exasperated sigh from his brain.

"I make the rules here, buddy!" Hawkmoth yells.

"No, not doing it. I'll just sit here with this light show happening unless you make me something cooler." Shrek protests.

"B-but-" Hawkmoth stutters. "But I have it all planned out! You peed yourself, that's your power! I got a suit all ready for you. Your opening line was supposed to be 'City of Paris, urine trouble!' It was gonna be great!" Shrek pouts and crosses his arms.

"Nada, nope, non, not happening!" Shrek says stubbornly. "Get to redesigning, bucko."

"Fucking mythical beings," Hawkmoth sighs, "Always being so ogredramatic!"


	30. Bonding time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get physical ;) ;) ;)

Fiona, Mari, and Adrien are hanging out in the living room just chilling. The other creatures are doing whatever like there's too many people to specify what they're doing I'm not doing that shit. Adrien is petting Donkey and Donkey is telling him fart jokes. Adrien chuckles at every single joke.

"Really though," Fiona says," I didn't expect the first thing for Shrek to do when we're not around is to get double married." She sighs and looks into the distance sadly. Marinette puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Well, if it makes up for it, we didn't know about you." Mari says. Fiona glares up at her.

"You, didn't see the movies?" She asked.

"Oh no, we totally saw the movies." Mari says.

"Not like we could avoid them," Adrien adds. "The early 2000's did happen."

"Thanks, Adrien. But like-"

"You're welcome, Marinette." Adrien interrupts. Mari looks at him, waiting to see if he's fucking done interrupting her ass fucking rude ass.

"But like, whenever we'd ask about you, he'd just..." She trails off. 

"LALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALA" Adrien demonstrates, holding two funnels to the sides of his face with his fingers in them. Where'd this boy even get funnels.

"Oh." Fiona states. "He does that to me too whenever I tell him we're going visit my father's grave. He thinks it's really boring." Suddenly, there's a loud scream under the couch. Fiona picks up the entire sofa with one of her buff ass arms. Marinette looks at her in complete awe.

"You kids better play nice now, y'HEAR?" She tells the ogre babies that were trying to eat one of the blind mice under the sofa. She plucks the mouse from their hands and throws out over her shoulder. She turns back to them only to see Marinette benchpressing Adrien and showing off her muscles.

"Well, try to look at it from Shrek's perspective." Mari groans out. She's trying to make it sound like Adrien's heavy but that boy is lighter than whipped cream. "Maybe he thought you guys planned to abandon him in the first place. He did sound pretty distraught over the whole thing earlier." 

"You might be right." Fiona says, flexing her arms while her ogre kids swing from her biceps like trapeze artists. "We should find him and apologize, at least for not looking for him for five months." 

"Before we go, we should get some food for the road." Mari says, carrying the entire refrigerator into the living room. She throws it down to the ground. "We have Nothing." She claims, opening the fridge door to prove it. 

"No thanks, I had Nothing earlier." Fiona says. Suddenly, there's a loud creaking noise over their heads. They look up just in time to see the roof get torn off. A giant eye peeks down at them.

"I AM THE OGRELORD" Shrek bellows.


	31. Akuma Matata

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In honor of Shrek 5 being announced, this has been a double update.

"WHAT, THE FUCK, IS THAT." Fiona screams.

"It's an akuma. They happen a lot." Mari replies.

"Welcome to Paris." Adrien says. He and Mari look firmly at each other and nod.

"Tikki, transform me!" Mari yells.

"Plagg, transform me!" Adrien yells.

They are both engulfed in light. Fiona jumps back and watches them just fuckin dancing around getting some weird ass kinksuits. They do their final pose and Fiona runs up to them.

"What the fuck you guys were doing that for like 2 minutes Paris is being destroyed as we speak what the fuck." Fiona screams.

"Excuse me, random citizen we've never met, but we have a city to save." Chat Noir says. He and Ladybug run out of the swamp and immediately climb a tree. They look at the giant Shrek causing a rampage.

"So, who do you think this one is?" Chat asks. Ladybug squints at the literal giant Shrek.

"I'm not sure." She says. "I think it might be Mayor Bourgeois."

"It's Shrek you dumbasses!" Fiona yells from below, using one of Adrien's funnels as a megaphone.

"I think it might be Shrek." Chat says. Ladybug looks at the akuma.

"I think you might be right." Ladybug exclaims. "Did, did we do this?" She asks.

"I think we did." Chat murmurs. "I can't believe it, Chloe ALWAYS makes the akumas." He says, suppressing his memories of Copycat.

"Yeah, I can't believe that I could ever possibly do that to someone!" Ladybug exclaims, suppressing her memories of The Gamer.

"We gotta get closer and figure out where his akuma is." Chat nods and they set out to swinging around Shrek, looking everywhere for something that stands out. Chat notices a glint in his eye and sees that it's from a necklace Shrek is wearing. It's solid gold and in the shape of himself.

"I think his akuma might be this necklace!" Chat yells.

"Try to snatch it, then!" Ladybug yells back. She distracts Shrek while Chat does Cataclysm on the chain. He throws the pendant to Ladybug.

"No more evildoing for you!" She says and stomps on it. She yelps and grabs her foot. The pendant is cracked, but at what cost. Nothing happens to the tiny golden Shrek, it's just #brokeaf.

"My lady, I don't think that's the akuma." Chat says then is immediately grabbed by a green bara hand and thrown into the ground like a football.

"GET SHREK'D" Shriek shreked.


	32. i got nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whhoooopossies i didnt update for a month as if this fic takes any effort to work on wow

Ladybug stares at the crater in the ground where Chat is.

"Damn," she whispers. "Get fucked, Chat." She looks up at the gargantuous Shrek marching around.

"YOU ALL HURT MY FEELINGS," The Ogrelord bellows. "SO I'M GOING TO HURT YOUR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!" He lets out a roar and stomps directly on his swamp, crushing all who was inside and swiftly murdering them instantly. I'm kidding everyone who was inside ran out to watch they're all safe don't worry. Shrek's house is fucked tho, so really he just hurt himself smh. Ladybug jumps down into the crater and crateles Chat in her arms. He spits out approx. 5 rocks and looks up at her shaking.

"I,, I don't think I'm gonna make it this time, My Lady." He murmurs. She grabs onto his spandex and shakes him.

"No! No you can't die!" She pleads. "This is a crack fic, not an angst fic!" A tear falls out of the corner of Chat's mask.

"Farewell, princess.~" He whispers, then his body goes limp. Ladybug sobs into his chest and holds him close. She leans back and cries into the morning sky.

"This isn't even tagged with Major Character Death!" She yells in anguish. The Ogrelord turns around and looks at his beautiful spouses. He sees the whole situation going down and takes a step forward. He pauses, and mentally calls Hawkmoth. The light butterfly glasses thing fades into existence as Hawkmoth picks up.

"Hey," Shrek says, "Should I do anything about this or..."

"N-no it's fine." Hawkmoth chokes through tears. "It's FINE. Stick to the mission!" Shrek can hear Hawkmoth step away from the mic and let out a sobbing mess. The amount of snot he can hear reminds him of Adrien, which just makes him more smad.

"Okie dokie, boss!" Shrek says. Hawky lets out a soft cry.

"I love my dead bi son." Hawkmoth mumbles.

"That's not funny." Shrek says. "I never watched Heathers, that joke's not funny to me. Why would you even say that to me if you know that I've never watched Heathers. I don't fully understand the reference and I hate you." Shrek turns around and starts wreaking havoc in the opposite direction of the situation.

Ladybug is still cradling Chat when suddenly in the corner of her eye, she sees his tail flap. She thinks nothing of it considering his tail is a fucking belt and isn't sentient but for some reason it still moves sometimes like??? Then she notices his hand twitch. She gasps and leans back, looking at the furry. His face starts scrunching up and he curls into himself. Finally, his eyes fly open and he coughs, sitting up in Ladybug's lap.

"Chat! You're okay!" Ladybug says, cradling his face in her gloved hands. He chuckles at her.

"Cats have 9 lives, y'know." He says with a wink. She punches him in the face.

"THAT'S FOR SCARING ME YOU SHIT ASS!" She yells. He holds his face and cries, just a little bit. It hurts. 

"You broke my nose." He mumbles.

"YOU BROKE MY HEART!" She screams.

"...point taken." He nods and stands up on shaking legs. "Gotta make it even."

"Wtf the fuck are you talking about, dude?" Ladybug asks while Chat activates cataclysm. He turns his head and grins at her.

"I'm gonna murder Shrek!" He says cheerfully. Ladybug reaches out to stop him but homeboy naruto runs to the large angry Shrek. He uses his baton to javelin himself. Shrek turns to see his dead husband hurling himself at him, arm outstretched and sparkling.

"SHREST IN PIECE!" Chat screams.


	33. No Ranch Was Brought to the Table, I Sat Here and Ate Lettuce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> id like to personally,, apoligiges for shrest in peace,,, its not my best work and ive failed u,,, i just didnt want to use the word ogre as a pun again but this fic is 69 chapters long so im gonna have to do it again its inedivible

Ladybug screams when Chat's hand collides with Shrek's stomach. Shreck stumbles back and holds his tum tum shocked. Fear strikes through Ladybug as she waits for her husband to disintegrate, glad that she has a spare husband for emergencies like this. 

After a moment, Shrek realizes he's not dying and resumes terrorizing Paris. Ladybug yo-yo's closer to investigate. Where Chat clawed him, there's deep big scratch marks. Through those scratch marks Ladybug can see a smaller version of Shrek's torso. Everything suddenly makes sense to Ladybug. She flies off to where Chat is standing and tackles him to the ground but like in a love way.

"Chat, you're brilliant!" She says, nuzzling her face into his neck.

"Ok so I'm actually dead, right?" He asks, stunned. She pushes herself up, hovering over him.

"You figured it out!" She says. "We can't find his akuma because we can't see it! It's under his layers!" Chat runs his hand through his hair and chuckles nervously.

"Hhahahahaaaa yeah, I knew that!" He bullshits. Ladybug grabs him by the ears and kisses him hard on the mouth, making their first canon kiss in this fic be after Chat literately tried to murder Shrek nice one Ladybug.

"You're a genius." She whispers. Chat cums son pantalons sept fois. Shrek roars behind them.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR, IIII'MMMMM RRREAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY PPPPPPPPRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOUUUUUDDDDDDD OOOFFFFFFFFFF YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR CCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHARAAAAACCCCTEEEERRRRRRRRRRR DDDDDDDEEEVVVVVEEEEEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOPPPPPPMMMMEEEEENNNNNNNNTTTTTTTT." Shrek roars, like I just said he did.

"Thanks dear~~~" Chat says and waves. Ladybug pulls him to his feet.

"Okay, so we have to tear away his layers to get to his akuma. Lets do it!" She starts to run towards Shrek but Chat grabs onto her arm.

"Uh, My Lady?" He mumbles. She turns to him and he lifts up his fist. There's 2 pawprints left. She rolls her eyes.

"Ugh, you've cat to be kitten me rn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who realised they can use cat puns for this fic too
> 
>  
> 
> hint: its me
> 
>  
> 
> no like i literately just realised it like i was gonna end this on a shrek pun but,, i need to make 69 chapters too so i cut it in half you are welcome


	34. you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, yOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER WA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ive decided ive left you all to dry for too long so i would like to introduce
> 
> THE 12 DAYS OF SHREK FIC
> 
> i'm going to update this fic with a new chapter every day until december 25
> 
> and they're all gonna be SHIT
> 
> or should i say,,, #shat ;^)

The Ogrelord is struggling to catch his spouses who are currently swinging around him. Ladybug’s up in front, throwing her yo-yo to wrap around his big ol’ ears so she could continuously circle him. Adrien is wrapped around her back screaming his lungs out due to this incredibly dangerous piggyback ride he’s experiencing. Ladybug looks over her shoulder.

 

“We need to rip off the rest of this layer of Shrek. Can you help me grab him?” She asks Adrien.

 

“Sure thing, M’waify.” He replies. Ladybug’s face drops into a frown.

 

“I will drop you, Fucker.” Adrien squeaks and grips her in fear.

 

“Apologies, uh, Comrade. Let’s tear him apart!” He stutters. Ladybug swings to where the tear in Shrek’s form is. She and Adrien grab onto the side of the gash and, using the momentum in their swing, pull it with them. Ladybug unhooks her yo-yo and backflips onto the nearest roof. If not for Adrien’s thighs of steel, he would’ve died. They both stand up and wipe the dirt from their clothes. Ladybug lifts the layer of skin in her hands. It’s like a circus tent.

 

“Heh, like Shrek always says, better out than Skin.” Adrien jokes. Ladybug’s neck snaps to him, pure rage on her face. She grabs him and throws him off the roof.


	35. Hit The Dop Lil Elf Boy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DAY 2 OF THE 12 DAYS OF SHREK FIC STILL GOING STRONG
> 
> tho these chapter's are WEAK

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” quoth the Adrien as he plummets to his death. Right before he hits the ground, he feels a cord around his ankle. He looks up to see Ladybug’s yo-yo wrapped around it and sighs in relief. Ladybug bungies him back up to the rooftop, with him screaming the whole way. He lands at her feet.

 

“Welcome back, Shitlord.” She says. He scrambles to his feet and just gets all up in her face.

 

“I’m not transformed! I could’ve DIED, and that’s all you have to say???” He yells. She shrugs.

 

“Pssh, it’s not like I would’ve let you fall. Besides, we got bigger things to take care of.” She says.

 

“Bigger things??? BIGGER THINGS???? YOU THREW ME OFF A ROOF DETRANSFORMED, WHERE ARE THESE BIGGER THINGS YOU SPEAK OF?!” Adrien shrieks. Ladybug sighs and grabs him under his chin. She turns his head to the left.

 

“That bigger thing.” She says. Adrien looks at The Ogrelord, who is still quite big though not as big as before, stomping around and making a big ol’ mess of the place.

 

“Oh, m’bad m’lady” Adrien mumbles. Ladybug crosses her arms and looks at The Ogrelord.

 

“It seems he had more layers than we thought. We’ll need you to cataclysm him again.” She turns to him. “What is it that Plagg eats? Our bakery’s just a few swings away, I could get some for him.”

 

“Camembert.” Ladybug’s expression turns to realization.

 

“Oh, that’s why you smell disgusting! I thought you were just a stinky little boy!” She awes. Adrien frowns at her.

 

“Don’t patronmice me.” He puns. She raises her eyebrow and looks at him, then pointedly looks at the spot where he almost fell, then back up at him. Adrien takes a step back.


	36. Bug In The Tub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12 days of shrek fic still happenin  
> but now im out of prewritten chapters
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> oh boy

“THIS IS HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! KILL ME!!!!!!!!” Plagg yells as he pops out of Adrien’s ring for the 32nd time that day.

“SHOVE A CHEESE IN IT AND GET BACK TO WORK! WE’VE ALMOST GOT HIM!” Ladybug yells. Plagg looks at her with them big ol’ eyes and she softens up. “I’m sorry Plagg, we didn’t know how many layers he’d have.”

“Honestly,” Adrien says. “this fight feels like an episode of Dragonball Z. It’s almost like it’s being extended to fit into some sort of chapter limit.” He winks at me, the writer. I gag in my mouth.

“At least now he’s almost back to his normal size.” Ladybug says. They turn to look at The Ogrelord who is stomping on picnic baskets in the park.

“Fuck these happy food baskets! I’m MAD!” He kicks one and it goes flying. He also collapses to the ground, holding his foot and crying. “WHY WOULD YOU BRING SILVERWARE FOR A PICNIC?! IT’S FINGER FOOD!!!” Shriek Shreks.

“God, he would make a terrible Yogi Bear.” Adrien says. Plagg finishes his cheese.

“Alright, let’s get this over with. Suck me in.” Plagg mumbles. Adrien transforms and hops on Ladybug’s back for the 34th time. She swings them toward the collapsed Shrek.

“Cataclysm!” Chat yells. He pokes Shrek’s hip with his finger and watches the last layer disintegrate. They pull him to his feet and circle around The Ogrelord like hawks.

“I don’t get it. Where’s the akuma?” Ladybug asks. Shrek pulls up his shirt and points to his belly. Ladybug lifts an eyebrow at him, then her eyes widen like disks.

“Oh My God You Ate It You Absolute Madman.” She states. Shrek nods and grins.

“IT WAS NASTY AND UNFULFILLING.” He yelled. Ladybug slaps her palm on her forehead.

“What am I supposed to do with th- oh wait.” She murmurs. She throws her yo-yo in the air and yells “Lucky Charm!” A polka dotted bottle falls into her hands. She looks at it quizzically. “What am I supposed to do with th- oh wait it’s labeled. She observes the label and her expressions go through all five stages of grief before she looks around. Her eyes focus on the picnic basket Shrek kicked earlier and an alleyway.

“What is up m’lady?” Chat questions. She grabs the basket and pushes Chat aside, dragging Shrek to the alley behind him.

“Don’t follow, don’t look, and don’t ever speak of this again.” She says blankly. Chat turns to look at her and she glares at him with the fury of a thousand suns. He shrivels up and turns back, sitting on a park bench facing away from his spouses. Detransforming, He sits there and waits, faintly hearing Shrek Shrieking behind him. After an hour, the screams stop, and he hears footsteps behind him. Shrek collapses into the seat next to him and leans his head on Adrien’s shoulder. Ladybug stands across from them holding the suspicious bottle and a kidney.

“Is that-”

“She used a spoon.” Shrek cries in anguish. Ladybug places the bottle in front of Adrien.

“I did the worst part, the least you can do is clean his wound.” She tells him. Adrien lifts up the bottle while Ladybug tears the kidney in half. The label on the front of the bottle simply reads “Disenshrektant.”


	37. god this fic is still happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think i did the math wrong and this might accidentally be the 13 days of shrek fic but i mean it happens

The three walk back arm in arm in arm to the swamp. Shrek is crying and smells of intestines, pee, and stress. Marinette and Adrien are patting each of his shoulders.

“We’ll get you cleaned up, our stinkey little love.” Adrien coos.

“No we won't.” Marinette says, looking up while the other two look at each other. Adrien gasps and pushes Shrek to the ground, pointing at Marinette.

“That’s really insensitive, Mari! How dare-”

“No, I mean, we literally can’t.” She says and gestures to the swamp. Adrien turns his head and drops his finger.

“Oh hot dang.” He says, looking at the crumbled bits of what used to be Shrek’s abode. All that’s left is chunks of wood spattered about a hole in the ground that looks an awful lot like a footprint because it is one. Adrien and Marinette jump when they hear a heart shattering scream. They look down at the culprit.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A SWAMP IN PARIS???” Shrek yells in anguish, crawling towards the mess.

“Actually, this is the Seine River.” Adrien says. “It’s pretty well known, so it probably wasn’t that hard-” 

“JUST LET ME HAVE THIS, CHAT!!!!!!” Shrek shrieks. He rolls into the hole and spoons a branch, crying into it. Mari and Adrien observe for a moment until the bluenette nudges him with her shoulder.

“We can’t just leave him like this! He needs someplace to stay!” She says. Adrien nods and smirks at her.

“I think I might know a guy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No.” Nino states, then promptly shuts his door. 

“Aw man.” Adrien slumps then knocks at the door again. “Come on bro!” He says, leaning against the door. “Help meowt!”

“Just for that pun, I’m kicking your ass tomorrow.” Nino says from inside.

“AW MAN!”


	38. Helena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12 days of shrek fic day 5
> 
>  
> 
> god

“What are we supposed to do now?” Adrien agonizes. He and Marinette are strolling the streets of Paris while holding hands. Shrek is crying vigorously and holding onto their ankles, letting himself be dragged face down along the sidewalk. They are followed by a thousand fairytale creatures.

“I think you know what you must do.” Marinette says ominously, turning to face him. Adrien’s eyes pop open wide as heck.

“Nnnnon o o oo o n o oooooo Mari I can’t!” He sputters.

“Come on!” She says, punching him in the arm. He grabs said arm and cradles it, crying with the usual amount of snot he dispenses. “You need to make your dad let Shrek and the gang stay at your place!”

“Why can’t you ask your parents?” Adrien asks.

“Because I don’t wanna.” She replies. Adrien pouts.

“Well,” he says, “can’t argue with that.” He looks off in the distance to see his giant ass mansion which Marinette was conveniently leading them to. “Besides, my place might be the only building everyone can fit into.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adrien walks into his house to find a ceremony happening in front of the stairs. There’s a giant black coffin with vertical stripes the same color as his shirt in the middle of the room. On top is a giant picture frame holding a collage of Adrien’s photoshoots. To the left of the coffin, Gabriel is sobbing vehemently into his fuckin candy cane lookin ass scarf. He’s leaning on Nathalie, who’s singing Ave Maria. Gorilla is strewn over the coffin crying. Adrien backs out of the house.

“MarinetteIcan’tdothisthey’reholdingafuneralformeI’mgonnadiethesecondIstepintherepleasedon’tmakemedothisIbegofyou.” He rushes. Marinette turns him around and shoves him back in the house.

“FOR LOVE!” She yells.

Adrien awkwardly tiptoes in. He clears his throat and interrupts Nathalie’s impressive long note. They all turn to the boyo. It’s awkward. It’s very awkward.

“Ohum, Adrien,” Gabriel says, scratching the back of his birdlike hair. “We weren’t expecting you to be here.” They are all just standing there frozen in silence. This goes on for two minutes until Adrien lets out a long whistle.

“WPHOOPHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” he whistles, not actually knowing how to whistle. “Now that that’s all said and done-” nothing was said or done about the situation “-I’ve got a favor to ask.”

“What is it, my not dead son.” Gabriel asks.

“I was wondering what your thoughts on adoption were.”

“Wha-” Gabriel’s voice falters as Adrien opens the door and the thousand fairytale creatures rush in. The ones with wings flutter around. The ones with feet forget to wipe those said feet on the rug and track dirt all over the place. All in all it’s hectic as heck in there. 

“Wwhwhowhhwahwhat is this?!?!?!” Gabriel sputters, clinging around Nathalie’s upper body like a koala. Marinette walks up next to Adrien while holding Shrek bridal style. The three of them share a look of ‘oh shit it’s Chat and Ladybug who are married to Shrek there’s no reason Adrien or Marinette should know Shrek personally oh my god we should’ve thought this through.’

“Uh aH UH YEAH SO YOU SEE” Shrek starts, with not a lot of potential that what he is about to say will be good. “AN AKUMA SORTA CRUSHED MY HOUSE, AND NOW I DON’T HAVE ONE. BUT I MEAN, LUCKILY ANDREW HERE-”

“Adrien.” Adrien says.

“ADRIEN HERE, WAS NICE ENOUGH TO INVITE ME AND MY FAMILY TO STAY HERE. HE’S SO NICE AND CARING AND PLEASELETMESTAYI’MHOMELESS” Shrek screams. Gabriel deliberates this for a long moment. Then, he speaks.

“No.” He speaks. Adrien gives him them big ol’ eyes.

“But father it’s Christmas!” He pleads.

“But Adrien I don’t wanna!” Gabriel pleads sarcastically. Adrien takes in a deep breath and

“PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-”

“FINE!” Gabriel screams. “WHAT THE SHREK, THEY CAN STAY!”


	39. Got Damn I Still Have 30 Chapters Of This Godforsaken Fic To Write

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day 6 of shrekmas and aaaaaaaaaaafugjoeirfdeugruptifdgifsaehsdufjhaejiklfhewijgrhri

Shrek’s gigantic form is billowing about Paris. His head towers above the Eiffel one, and one fell swoop sends it toppling down into the streets. His stomping feet crush dozens of innocent people at a time. This form, The Ogrelord, is where he is at his strongest. The Ogrelord doesn’t feel any remorse to these strangers and buildings. There is nothing here that he cares about. He continues to swing his arms wildly, with no concern for the damage he is causing all around him.

Suddenly, two figures appear from the shadows. Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight, never running from a real fight, they are the ones named Ladybug and Chat noir. He doesn’t recognized his beloved² at first. The duo leap around him. He finds them as a nuisance, and scoops them up in his big meaty claws. His fists tighten, crushing them like ripe banans. He goes to sniff them, like he does with everything he crushes, and finally notices his spouses.

The Ogrelord, filled with shock and grief for what he has done to the two who have the tightest hold on his heartstrings, falls to his knees. How could he be so careless. How could he let this happen. He knows, in that moment, that he’s never been more of a monster than in that moment.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Shrek flies into a sitting position in bed, screaming. He holds his hairy greasy chest and feels his heart beat like phpph ophp p hohyphbpbphp. He should really get that checked by a doctor.

“Oh,” He whispers. “Just a nightmare.” He looks to his left and right and sees his two spouses sound asleep, both with matching arms around his torso and earplugs in their ear holes because they are used to ruckus and well prepared. He puts his hands on the top of both of their heads and pets them.

As he holds them, he ponders on his dream, trying to figure it out. The Ogrelord was perfectly fine with being a monster, until he destroyed the two things he actually cares about (not Fiona, Fiona can choke in his mind).

Love was out to get him, he decided. That’s the way it seems. Disappointment haunted all his dreams.


	40. Seasoning Restaurant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im sorry

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone  
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone  
but when I see you hanging about with anyone  
It's not unusual to see me cry,  
oh I wanna' die  
It's not unusual to go out at any time  
but when I see you out and about it's such a crime  
if you should ever want to be loved by anyone,  
It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say  
you find it happens all the time  
love will never do what you want it to  
why can't this crazy love be mine  
It's not unusual, to be mad with anyone  
It's not unusual, to be sad with anyone  
but if I ever find that you've changed at anytime  
it's not unusual to find out that I'm in love with you  
whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, I've got flowers  
And lots of hours  
To spend with you.  
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat nose!

What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, Pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're so thrilling  
And I'm so willing  
To care for you.  
So go and make up your cute little pussycat eyes!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat eyes!

What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa  
What's new, pussycat?  
Whoa, whoa

Pussycat, Pussycat, you're delicious  
And if my wishes  
Can all come true  
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!

Pussycat, Pussycat, I love you  
Yes, I do!  
You and your pussycat lips!  
You and your pussycat eyes!  
You and your pussycat nose!

\--------------------------------------------------

Adrien shoots up from his bed screaming. He clutches his chest and breathes heavily, looking around the room. To his left is a sleeping Marinette and Shrek. To his right is the floor. He sighs with relief. What a knightmare!


	41. Stop Suggesting That These Characters Should Fuck Cats Please My Children Are Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> day 8 of shrekmas and i have 1 pun left that was pre-thought up  
> this is getting difficult

Marinette walks into the living room to see her two husbands cuddled up on a couch. They’re mumbling quietly to each other. She walks up behind them and taps them on the shoulders.

“What’s up my husbuds.” She says, laying her arms on the top of the couch. They turn to her, faces full of tears and snot.

“We had nightmares.” They say in unison. Marinette pouts.

“Oh, what happened?” She asks. Adrien pouts and turns around, crossing his arms and slouching.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He says. Shrek paps his shoulder and turns to Mari.

“I had a dream I was The Ogrelord again. I-” He looks at his big hands closed into fists. “I crushed you both. It freaked me the heck out.” Mari grabs him by his vuvuzela ears and gives him a lil smooch.

“Don’t worry, akuma victims have nightmares about when they were akumatized all the time.” She says cheerily. “It’s not out of the ordinary!” Shrek slumps like Adrien.

“Still messed me up tho.” He mumbles. Mari thinks for a moment, then steps over the couch inbetween them. She wraps an arm around Shrek’s shoulder and pulls him close.

“Don’t worry, dear! What we need is a day of fun to distract you from it!” She chirps. Adrien peeks his head out from beside her.

“You mean like giving him blowjobs?” He asks. Mari frowns at him.

“No. Adrien. I did not mean giving him blowjobs.” She states.

“Are you sure? I mean-”

“Adrien. Stop.”

“I’m pretty talented-”

“Adrien-”

“Cat’s tongue like sandpaper some people are into tha-”

“ARRÊTE!” Mari yells. Adrien slouches back.  
“Yeah, I guess a day out would be fine I guess maybe I suppose.” Shrek sighs. Marinette cheers and hugs him tightly.

 

“YES! THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!” She squeals. She turns to Adrien. “Do you wanna come too?” Adrien looks up from his phone.

“Nah, Nino’s gonna kick my ass at 2, and afterwards we’re going to a dinner and movie. You two have fun.” He says.

“Well,” Mari says, “If you insist.” She starts dragging Shrek out by his arm. Shrek turns to look at Adrien. Adrien gestures to his tongue and points down, then points to his watch. Shrek throws a thumbs up and winks. Adrien winks back. Grinning, Shrek turns back to Marinette.

“Are you ready for me to rock your world!” She cheers. Shrek sighs.

“Well, let’s get this ogre with.”


	42. I'm Tasering Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> give it up for day 9
> 
> espurr roba stop insisting these characters want to fuck cats

Adrien’s sitting on the top of the couch texting Nino. Suddenly, a hand is on his shoulder. He grabs the hand and flips the culprit, who breaks the coffee table with his body.

“Son, that was completely unnecessary.” Gabriel groans out from his spot on the table. Adrien screams.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY BAD MY DAD I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M-”

God Adrien shut the fuck up for like a second please god damn.”

“Ok.” 

“This isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.” Gabriel says, getting up and brushing the glass off his clothes. “Adrien, I know you’re Chat Noir.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

“Adrien Shut The Fuck!” Gabriel says.

“Ok.”

“I need to tell you my concerns.” Gabriel says sternly. Adrien shrinks into himself. This is what he’s been dreading. Sneaking out late at night, putting himself in constant danger, literally dying one time. His father would not approve.

“Are you and Shrek and Ladybug,,, have you three,,,” Gabriel does a series of gestures that I thought about writing down but they’re really gross and I don’t want to make you guys imagine this bird man doing two in the pink and one in the stink or slowly dragging his tongue around the part on a balloon that kinda looks like a butthole. Oh.

“DAD PLEASE”

“Adrien this is only for your safety! Stop being ridiculous!” Gabriel says from his bent position, waving a whole salami near his butt.

“DAD STOP”

“ARE YOU PRACTICING SAFE SHREX”

“I’M CALLING THE POLICE”


	43. Brunfis Grugramere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 10 FOLKS NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS FUCK CATS

“NO!” Shrek bellows, jogging away from Marinette, who’s struggling to keep up in her tiny small short body.

“Okay buddy, you’ve shot down all options I’ve given you on what we should do today!” She yells.

“THEY WERE ALL HORRIBLE!”

“WHAT’S BAD ABOUT MATCHING ASS TATTOOS??????” Mari says, supporting the idea wholeheartedly.

“YOU KNOW HOW UPSET CHAT WOULD BE IF WE GET MATCHING ASS TATTOOS WITHOUT HIM!!!” He shouts. Ladybug freezes.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She mumbles. “But you also shut down Strip Putt Putt Golf!”

“I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY BODY!”

“Shrek,” Mari pleads, “you’ve been under so much stress lately. Fiona and the 1,000 kids returning, peeing your pants a severely unhealthy amount in such a short amount of time, getting akumatized, destroying your house-”

“Ok you can stop-”

“Getting abandoned for five months, being stuffed in a suitcase for half a day, seeing Mr. Agreste in hot pants, getting pneumonia after I made you lay in a fountain with me for 7 hours-” She’s counting off her fingers now.

“OK YOU CAN STOP!” Shriek shreks.

“What I’m saying is, you need a break!” Mari says, then raises her hand out. “Let me be your break.” Shrek looks her in the eyes and his heart flutters. He internally panics for a moment, remembering the akuma he ate a few chapters ago and getting horrible flashbacks, but then he’s ogre it. He smiles at her and takes her hand.

“I guess you’re right,” the green boy says, “this vacation has been long ogredue.”


End file.
